one. 11/07/10

"And you don't think it'll hurt us?"
"No! I actually think it'll bring us closer."
I sighed. "I just don't want to rush into anything."
"I know we haven't been together for long," he said.
"But the way I look at it is, we've been talking for longer than most people do before they go out, and we're serious about each other. It doesn't mean nothing."
"Yeah... I guess you're right."
"I'm not saying anything huge right now... just... one kiss."
"Just one?" I said, still trying to bring enough excuses together.
"Just one," he promised. "So... what do you think?"
"You're sure it won't hurt us?" I looked into his eyes, searching for justification.
"No, I don't think it will."
"I just want to make sure we don't get carried away, you know?"
"I know. We can be careful. We have self control."
"Yeah..."
"So, do you want to try?"
I looked back at him, into his blue eyes. They were so serious, so caring. We hadn't said I love you yet, but we both knew we were on our way there. We'd even talked about marriage.  So this was safe, right? We weren't dating just to date. We had a goal. We knew it was very possible that we would reach that goal. We wanted to reach it.
This was just taking us closer to the goal, right?
Besides, he was the man of the relationship; he was the leader. If he thought it was safe, it must be safe.

He spoke, and took me away from the thoughts swirling in my mind.
"We can think and pray about it tonight. We don't have to do anything right now."

But... we wanted this. We could take it, right?

"No," I said. "We can control this."
He smiled. "Right."

He leaned in, turning his head. I leaned closer, and closed my eyes.
Our lips met... once (I began to pull back; he leaned in more); twice; three times.
Once more; this one longer and sweeter.

I pulled away, more this time.
He looked at me, starry-eyed.
"Wow," he said. "I was just expecting one... but wow. That was... wow."
"Yeah, me too," I whispered.
"You okay?"

I paused. It was a new feeling, this kissing. I hadn't kissed for four years.
That was the only reason I felt apprehensive about answering yes, right?
I mean... I had liked it.

I looked back at him.
"Yeah," I said, smiling reassuringly.

He smiled back. "Good."
He leaned in for another kiss, and I let him.

So it began.
And so it would end -

Painfully, with feelings of idiocy and shame.

But it brought us closer, right?
Yeah, it did.

It brought closeness that you hadn't earned.
And now, it brings me shame.
Jesus, please....
Bring your cleansing grace.