I just want to forget.
I want to stop thinking.
I want the voices in my head to drown.
I don't want to remember you.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Reason 2 9/14/11
I love the way you protect me.
So many people think protection stands in front of a gun, when in reality, it boldly stands alone.
Protection is a subtle thing. I've become comfortable in our relationship, and didn't even notice your care for me in this way until a good friend pointed out:
"Wow, Phoebe, he protects you so well."
She's right.
I worry about you because I care about you.... and you know it.
"Please text me when you get home, honey."
And he does, every time.
I thought it was so odd that you didn't want to talk so often on the phone. "It'll make our conversations more special," you said. I was skeptical, but it turned out to be true. And now that we're both busy, and unable to talk on the phone very often, I'm glad that we didn't get used to spending all of our time on each other. You watch out for me. You guard my heart even when I'm not sure how to do that.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -Proverbs 4:23
You protect me. You remind me to get more sleep, and you reassure me after a nightmare.
You pray for me - and remind me to pray.
Thank you for caring for me enough to protect me.
Happy month number 2, Sean.
So many people think protection stands in front of a gun, when in reality, it boldly stands alone.
Protection is a subtle thing. I've become comfortable in our relationship, and didn't even notice your care for me in this way until a good friend pointed out:
"Wow, Phoebe, he protects you so well."
She's right.
I worry about you because I care about you.... and you know it.
"Please text me when you get home, honey."
And he does, every time.
I thought it was so odd that you didn't want to talk so often on the phone. "It'll make our conversations more special," you said. I was skeptical, but it turned out to be true. And now that we're both busy, and unable to talk on the phone very often, I'm glad that we didn't get used to spending all of our time on each other. You watch out for me. You guard my heart even when I'm not sure how to do that.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -Proverbs 4:23
You protect me. You remind me to get more sleep, and you reassure me after a nightmare.
You pray for me - and remind me to pray.
Thank you for caring for me enough to protect me.
Happy month number 2, Sean.
Reason 1 8/12/11
Opposites attract. I'd say we prove the theory to be true.
You're everything I'm not, in all the good ways.
You see, I'm afraid of falling. Yes, I know it sounds silly. The fear of falling has caused me to avoid situations that could result in breaking myself. Something as simple as a horseback ride ignites my anxiety. If I ever attempt a task that has the potential of falling, I'm usually on edge the whole time.
So when you challenged me to jump off a slippery, wet rock into an indefinite depth of water with definite rocks, I laughed. You knew me better than that. I smiled politely: "No thanks."
I should have known better than to think you would give up that easily. Gently, you tried to convince me to jump. "Come on, I'll go with you."
After much convincing, I finally climbed onto the rock with you.
[Image]
You held my hand, and assured me that my skull would not be cracked open by a rock lurking beneath the waters.You comforted me, and made me smile. You danced, and made me laugh.You showed me everything would be okay.
[Image]
and then I jumped.
You see, you aren't afraid of falling. Your strength is my weakness.
When you put that together, you get a lot of strength.
I don't mind falling as long as I know you're by my side.
You're everything I'm not, in all the good ways.
You see, I'm afraid of falling. Yes, I know it sounds silly. The fear of falling has caused me to avoid situations that could result in breaking myself. Something as simple as a horseback ride ignites my anxiety. If I ever attempt a task that has the potential of falling, I'm usually on edge the whole time.
So when you challenged me to jump off a slippery, wet rock into an indefinite depth of water with definite rocks, I laughed. You knew me better than that. I smiled politely: "No thanks."
I should have known better than to think you would give up that easily. Gently, you tried to convince me to jump. "Come on, I'll go with you."
After much convincing, I finally climbed onto the rock with you.
[Image]
You held my hand, and assured me that my skull would not be cracked open by a rock lurking beneath the waters.You comforted me, and made me smile. You danced, and made me laugh.You showed me everything would be okay.
[Image]
and then I jumped.
You see, you aren't afraid of falling. Your strength is my weakness.
When you put that together, you get a lot of strength.
I don't mind falling as long as I know you're by my side.
Magic. 8/06/11
The night was perfect. Bugs danced around the lights in the muggy air as we stepped outside, away from the reception. You held my hand, and it felt right, like it always does.
I wondered if you had something planned (you’re the one who thinks ahead), but since I was the one who had suggested a walk, I shrugged away the thought and breathed in the warm air; basking in the beauty of the night and relishing these moments with you.
We walked to the outdoor “altar” of sorts, where the wedding ceremony had taken place. We stood in front of the empty rows of chairs, just a few steps away from where the bride and groom had stood earlier that afternoon.
You held me close, and I heard your heart beat as though it couldn’t be contained inside its cage. Thump, thump, thump; and it never slowed down. You kissed the top of my head and I giggled instinctively.
“What, you’re laughing at me now?” you questioned.
“No,” I replied. “Just happy.”
I leaned my head on your chest and listened to the pounding of your heart. I breathed one of those sappy, girly sighs; completely content with you and our few minutes alone.
You leaned away from me, and I looked up at you. You tried to brush the hair out of my eyes, but poked my face instead.
“Jeez, how embarassing,” you said.
I just smiled. “You’re fine.” Nothing could ruin this moment for me.
I leaned against you again, until you pulled away for a second time. I looked up into your face, and this time you leaned in toward mine.
For a split second, magic happened. For the rest of the night, I tried to keep my head out of the clouds enough so that I could keep my feet on the dance floor.
I think I’m still there; spinning around and around until your hands catch me again.
I wondered if you had something planned (you’re the one who thinks ahead), but since I was the one who had suggested a walk, I shrugged away the thought and breathed in the warm air; basking in the beauty of the night and relishing these moments with you.
We walked to the outdoor “altar” of sorts, where the wedding ceremony had taken place. We stood in front of the empty rows of chairs, just a few steps away from where the bride and groom had stood earlier that afternoon.
You held me close, and I heard your heart beat as though it couldn’t be contained inside its cage. Thump, thump, thump; and it never slowed down. You kissed the top of my head and I giggled instinctively.
“What, you’re laughing at me now?” you questioned.
“No,” I replied. “Just happy.”
I leaned my head on your chest and listened to the pounding of your heart. I breathed one of those sappy, girly sighs; completely content with you and our few minutes alone.
You leaned away from me, and I looked up at you. You tried to brush the hair out of my eyes, but poked my face instead.
“Jeez, how embarassing,” you said.
I just smiled. “You’re fine.” Nothing could ruin this moment for me.
I leaned against you again, until you pulled away for a second time. I looked up into your face, and this time you leaned in toward mine.
For a split second, magic happened. For the rest of the night, I tried to keep my head out of the clouds enough so that I could keep my feet on the dance floor.
I think I’m still there; spinning around and around until your hands catch me again.
So this is what it's like... 7/21/11
to let You write my love story.
No, I'm not in love - at least not yet.
That's up to You.
I don't feel rushed to make plans or schedules.
I'm happy with where we are right now.
You've brought us here.
Here, of all places!
Who could have imagined it?
Not him... and I certainly didn't!
We accept what you give us,
Knowing it is more
Than we could have hoped for
Or imagined.
For whatever reason,
You are good to us.
And for that,
We are grateful.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:11b-13
No, I'm not in love - at least not yet.
That's up to You.
I don't feel rushed to make plans or schedules.
I'm happy with where we are right now.
You've brought us here.
Here, of all places!
Who could have imagined it?
Not him... and I certainly didn't!
We accept what you give us,
Knowing it is more
Than we could have hoped for
Or imagined.
For whatever reason,
You are good to us.
And for that,
We are grateful.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:11b-13
Joyfully Surprised 7/16/11
I don't deserve to be this happy.
Especially not for such an extended period of time.
I honestly haven't had a negative mood (that lasted more than a few hours) in months!
Can you believe it? I know; it's hard for me too.
It's all because of God. But He's making me happy in the strangest ways.
Like... sending me to a foreign country.
Like... giving me a job.
Like giving me (of all things!) a boyfriend.
It seems too good to be true.
Why would God reward me with such tangible, wonderful things?
God always makes me happy... but never in this way.
I've never felt so obviously and overwhelmingly blessed.
Here's the deal, folks.
I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe in God's plans.
And His plans are perfect.
I met someone who had every trait or aspiration that I want my future husband to have....
Not necessary things, but things that I would like to find in a guy.
Not only that, but we see eye to eye on necessary issues... relationships; marriage; future.
I met this guy at a job that I wasn't supposed to have.
My application was late; they had already filled the positions.
Somehow, they ended up needing someone else.
Somehow, that someone else was me.
Things like that don't happen "just because".
God has a plan for me.
Why He would plan to give me everything I want; I don't know.
However, His plan isn't anything I expected.
I didn't expect my boyfriend to be who he is.
I didn't expect to get this job.
I didn't expect to be able to travel to Haiti on a mission trip.
Doesn't that make it so much more amazing,
to be caught by surprise in God's plan?
I love it.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has planned for those who love Him." -1 Corinthians 2:9
Especially not for such an extended period of time.
I honestly haven't had a negative mood (that lasted more than a few hours) in months!
Can you believe it? I know; it's hard for me too.
It's all because of God. But He's making me happy in the strangest ways.
Like... sending me to a foreign country.
Like... giving me a job.
Like giving me (of all things!) a boyfriend.
It seems too good to be true.
Why would God reward me with such tangible, wonderful things?
God always makes me happy... but never in this way.
I've never felt so obviously and overwhelmingly blessed.
Here's the deal, folks.
I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe in God's plans.
And His plans are perfect.
I met someone who had every trait or aspiration that I want my future husband to have....
Not necessary things, but things that I would like to find in a guy.
Not only that, but we see eye to eye on necessary issues... relationships; marriage; future.
I met this guy at a job that I wasn't supposed to have.
My application was late; they had already filled the positions.
Somehow, they ended up needing someone else.
Somehow, that someone else was me.
Things like that don't happen "just because".
God has a plan for me.
Why He would plan to give me everything I want; I don't know.
However, His plan isn't anything I expected.
I didn't expect my boyfriend to be who he is.
I didn't expect to get this job.
I didn't expect to be able to travel to Haiti on a mission trip.
Doesn't that make it so much more amazing,
to be caught by surprise in God's plan?
I love it.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has planned for those who love Him." -1 Corinthians 2:9
Things I wish I could say 5/26/11
It makes me sick.
Ugh, just the way that you hang on everything she says.
Get a chatroom. Fo' real.
I'm sick of you cluttering my news feed with hours of your flirting.
Honestly, if you really like her,
What's stopping you from dating her?
Not me.
Ugh, just the way that you hang on everything she says.
Get a chatroom. Fo' real.
I'm sick of you cluttering my news feed with hours of your flirting.
Honestly, if you really like her,
What's stopping you from dating her?
Not me.
Racing toward the goal 5/20/11
There's a difference, you see.
Yes, I saw it, but I rejected it.
It didn't mean anything, right?
No.
It means everything.
How could I expect to share my life with you
If you aren't even interested in the life I live....
Or the One I live for.
We're running different races.
Somewhere, you lost sight of the goal.
I have too, but...
I know where I'm headed now.
Although it pains me,
I can't wait for you to catch up.
I'm moving forward,
Wholeheartedly.
Yes, I saw it, but I rejected it.
It didn't mean anything, right?
No.
It means everything.
How could I expect to share my life with you
If you aren't even interested in the life I live....
Or the One I live for.
We're running different races.
Somewhere, you lost sight of the goal.
I have too, but...
I know where I'm headed now.
Although it pains me,
I can't wait for you to catch up.
I'm moving forward,
Wholeheartedly.
I can't. 4/19/11
I can't keep doing this to myself.
I can't keep remembering, thinking, looking...
Feeling.
I can't.
I shouldn't.
There's no reason to!
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be interested if you managed to get it all together someday...
But I've already been told by the Big Guy upstairs that I don't have to wait around for that...
So why should I?
Riddle me this.
What's the point?
Is there a reason I should wait around?
A GOOD reason?!
If not, then help me move on. God knows I need all the help I can get.
I can't keep remembering, thinking, looking...
Feeling.
I can't.
I shouldn't.
There's no reason to!
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be interested if you managed to get it all together someday...
But I've already been told by the Big Guy upstairs that I don't have to wait around for that...
So why should I?
Riddle me this.
What's the point?
Is there a reason I should wait around?
A GOOD reason?!
If not, then help me move on. God knows I need all the help I can get.
"If I had a star for every time you've made me smile;; 3/20/11
I'd be holding the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
I'm... dating.
I suppose.
I always promised myself I wouldn't date. That was one of my rules. I was either in a relationship or I wasn't. I wasn't going to waste my time and break my heart over something so worldly and emotional.
But there I was, suggesting to you that we go on a date. Heck, a few dates. See where this goes.
Everything is always different with you, though. Always.
What else am I supposed to do? You have made it clear that you aren't ready for a commitment. You didn't really even have to say it... I know you aren't. I don't know that I am ready to be in a relationship either, but... I don't think I'm ready to stop caring for you (God only knows if I ever will be).
So we're trying this middle ground, in an attempt for me to not obsess over you, and maybe (even if you don't realize it) in the process you can feel less uneasy about a commitment.
[I sound like a psycho stalker right now, don't I? I promise... I'm not. You don't need to hide yo' kids or yo' wife, or even yo' husband.]
But... this is going to be odd. Training for Phoebe ensues:
If he doesn't text you every day, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't want to talk all the time, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't comfort you, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't seem to reciprocate feelings, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he wants nothing from you after this... well, you'll survive that, too.
It sure is easy to fall back into some of those habits though... My jacket still smells amazingly like you from that hug, and I smile every time you send me a 'cheer-up' text.
[Honestly, I am NOT INSANE. I know that basically everything in this post is arguing that, but... I'm not.]
"And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness.
'Cause none of it was ever worth the risk...
Well, you are the only exception..."
I'm out on a limb here, even though I'm not a huge fan of climbing trees. I just hope I don't hit every branch if I fall...
You're probably reading this, so I thought I should warn you:
I promised to not hate you, but I never promised to not love you.
I'm... dating.
I suppose.
I always promised myself I wouldn't date. That was one of my rules. I was either in a relationship or I wasn't. I wasn't going to waste my time and break my heart over something so worldly and emotional.
But there I was, suggesting to you that we go on a date. Heck, a few dates. See where this goes.
Everything is always different with you, though. Always.
What else am I supposed to do? You have made it clear that you aren't ready for a commitment. You didn't really even have to say it... I know you aren't. I don't know that I am ready to be in a relationship either, but... I don't think I'm ready to stop caring for you (God only knows if I ever will be).
So we're trying this middle ground, in an attempt for me to not obsess over you, and maybe (even if you don't realize it) in the process you can feel less uneasy about a commitment.
[I sound like a psycho stalker right now, don't I? I promise... I'm not. You don't need to hide yo' kids or yo' wife, or even yo' husband.]
But... this is going to be odd. Training for Phoebe ensues:
If he doesn't text you every day, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't want to talk all the time, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't comfort you, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he doesn't seem to reciprocate feelings, YOU WILL LIVE.
If he wants nothing from you after this... well, you'll survive that, too.
It sure is easy to fall back into some of those habits though... My jacket still smells amazingly like you from that hug, and I smile every time you send me a 'cheer-up' text.
[Honestly, I am NOT INSANE. I know that basically everything in this post is arguing that, but... I'm not.]
"And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness.
'Cause none of it was ever worth the risk...
Well, you are the only exception..."
I'm out on a limb here, even though I'm not a huge fan of climbing trees. I just hope I don't hit every branch if I fall...
You're probably reading this, so I thought I should warn you:
I promised to not hate you, but I never promised to not love you.
Rolling out of bed to greet the spring 2/22/11
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart...
The waking up is the hardest part."
If there's one thing I've learned today, it's that waking up really is the hardest part.
Reality eventually pours cold water all over your face, and you wake up wide-eyed and bushy tailed and gasping for air.
You can't keep pretending that things will go exactly as you would wish them to go.
You can choose to spend the day in bed mourning your "loss",
Or you can choose to get out of bed, drink a cup of coffee with a shot of humility, and get on with your day.
Just because you've dreamt with a broken heart doesn't mean that you can't dream with your whole heart again.
I won't be wasting the day laying in bed.
Just because I CAN put another song reference in this blog...
Sorry T.Swift, but I won't be going back to December. Have fun in the bitter cold.
The waking up is the hardest part."
If there's one thing I've learned today, it's that waking up really is the hardest part.
Reality eventually pours cold water all over your face, and you wake up wide-eyed and bushy tailed and gasping for air.
You can't keep pretending that things will go exactly as you would wish them to go.
You can choose to spend the day in bed mourning your "loss",
Or you can choose to get out of bed, drink a cup of coffee with a shot of humility, and get on with your day.
Just because you've dreamt with a broken heart doesn't mean that you can't dream with your whole heart again.
I won't be wasting the day laying in bed.
Just because I CAN put another song reference in this blog...
Sorry T.Swift, but I won't be going back to December. Have fun in the bitter cold.
It's late and I should just go to bed. 1/14/11
I'm fine until I see the words.
I can look at pictures, I can still see your facebook page.
I'm okay with things that remind me of you, and I can look at pictures of us, although with a small amount of shame that makes my stomach churn.
But when I saw the words...
I don't know what it was.
I've heard your voice since, and I am okay with hearing you speak.
I've heard the words since, and I'm okay with that too.
But when I read the words, I heard them with your voice. I saw your face expressing it all.
I recognized the tenderness and adoration stored behind them.
It all comes back.
All of it, except the piece of my heart I gave away.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to retrieve it.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to give the leftovers away.
(who wants stale, leftover hearts anyway?)
I thought I was giving the right amount of myself to the right person.
Instead, I gave too much of myself to the wrong person.
I don't know if I'll ever be the right person again.
How am I supposed to find the right person if I'm not the right person?
I can look at pictures, I can still see your facebook page.
I'm okay with things that remind me of you, and I can look at pictures of us, although with a small amount of shame that makes my stomach churn.
But when I saw the words...
I don't know what it was.
I've heard your voice since, and I am okay with hearing you speak.
I've heard the words since, and I'm okay with that too.
But when I read the words, I heard them with your voice. I saw your face expressing it all.
I recognized the tenderness and adoration stored behind them.
It all comes back.
All of it, except the piece of my heart I gave away.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to retrieve it.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to give the leftovers away.
(who wants stale, leftover hearts anyway?)
I thought I was giving the right amount of myself to the right person.
Instead, I gave too much of myself to the wrong person.
I don't know if I'll ever be the right person again.
How am I supposed to find the right person if I'm not the right person?
to "my world" 11/22/10
that's what I called you.
in trying to think of some way that I could compliment you without giving you what belonged to God, I came up with this nickname.
you couldn't be "my everything" because He was supposed to be my everything.
you couldn't have my heart because He was supposed to have it.
still, I wanted to give you something, so that was the titled you received.
it worked well in song lyrics: "You hold my world in Your hands."
it made me smile and think of you during worship.
it meant I was lifting you up to Him, right?
it made me feel good, being able to call you that.
it made you feel good, I think, to have that title,
considering I'd promised myself I wasn't going to give you much.
plans backfire, though, don't they?
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." - 1 John 2:15-17
"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul" - Matthew 16:26
what we had was nice...but it wasn't worth my soul. good thing the world allows returns.
different 11/20/10
It's weird, to not see Him in you anymore.
It only took once glance, and I could see His love in you.
But now it's missing; you've ignored it.
He is no longer your passion.
We're completely different now.
I can't get enough of His love and grace.
I can't get enough of CHRIST! He is my desire.
Right now, you look like ashes, but God can turn it into beauty.
You have to give Him more, not less.
You have to die to live.
I can see now where my heart was, compared to yours.
They were not fixed on the same place.
Mine came closer to His, while
Yours just seems to have strayed farther.
There's a way back to glory.
Just take the narrow path.
He's waiting for your arrival.
Return home.
It will make all the difference for you.
It only took once glance, and I could see His love in you.
But now it's missing; you've ignored it.
He is no longer your passion.
We're completely different now.
I can't get enough of His love and grace.
I can't get enough of CHRIST! He is my desire.
Right now, you look like ashes, but God can turn it into beauty.
You have to give Him more, not less.
You have to die to live.
I can see now where my heart was, compared to yours.
They were not fixed on the same place.
Mine came closer to His, while
Yours just seems to have strayed farther.
There's a way back to glory.
Just take the narrow path.
He's waiting for your arrival.
Return home.
It will make all the difference for you.
one. 11/07/10
"And you don't think it'll hurt us?"
"No! I actually think it'll bring us closer."
I sighed. "I just don't want to rush into anything."
"I know we haven't been together for long," he said.
"But the way I look at it is, we've been talking for longer than most people do before they go out, and we're serious about each other. It doesn't mean nothing."
"Yeah... I guess you're right."
"I'm not saying anything huge right now... just... one kiss."
"Just one?" I said, still trying to bring enough excuses together.
"Just one," he promised. "So... what do you think?"
"You're sure it won't hurt us?" I looked into his eyes, searching for justification.
"No, I don't think it will."
"I just want to make sure we don't get carried away, you know?"
"I know. We can be careful. We have self control."
"Yeah..."
"So, do you want to try?"
I looked back at him, into his blue eyes. They were so serious, so caring. We hadn't said I love you yet, but we both knew we were on our way there. We'd even talked about marriage. So this was safe, right? We weren't dating just to date. We had a goal. We knew it was very possible that we would reach that goal. We wanted to reach it.
This was just taking us closer to the goal, right?
Besides, he was the man of the relationship; he was the leader. If he thought it was safe, it must be safe.
He spoke, and took me away from the thoughts swirling in my mind.
"We can think and pray about it tonight. We don't have to do anything right now."
But... we wanted this. We could take it, right?
"No," I said. "We can control this."
He smiled. "Right."
He leaned in, turning his head. I leaned closer, and closed my eyes.
Our lips met... once (I began to pull back; he leaned in more); twice; three times.
Once more; this one longer and sweeter.
I pulled away, more this time.
He looked at me, starry-eyed.
"Wow," he said. "I was just expecting one... but wow. That was... wow."
"Yeah, me too," I whispered.
"You okay?"
I paused. It was a new feeling, this kissing. I hadn't kissed for four years.
That was the only reason I felt apprehensive about answering yes, right?
I mean... I had liked it.
I looked back at him.
"Yeah," I said, smiling reassuringly.
He smiled back. "Good."
He leaned in for another kiss, and I let him.
So it began.
And so it would end -
Painfully, with feelings of idiocy and shame.
But it brought us closer, right?
Yeah, it did.
It brought closeness that you hadn't earned.
And now, it brings me shame.
Jesus, please....
Bring your cleansing grace.
"No! I actually think it'll bring us closer."
I sighed. "I just don't want to rush into anything."
"I know we haven't been together for long," he said.
"But the way I look at it is, we've been talking for longer than most people do before they go out, and we're serious about each other. It doesn't mean nothing."
"Yeah... I guess you're right."
"I'm not saying anything huge right now... just... one kiss."
"Just one?" I said, still trying to bring enough excuses together.
"Just one," he promised. "So... what do you think?"
"You're sure it won't hurt us?" I looked into his eyes, searching for justification.
"No, I don't think it will."
"I just want to make sure we don't get carried away, you know?"
"I know. We can be careful. We have self control."
"Yeah..."
"So, do you want to try?"
I looked back at him, into his blue eyes. They were so serious, so caring. We hadn't said I love you yet, but we both knew we were on our way there. We'd even talked about marriage. So this was safe, right? We weren't dating just to date. We had a goal. We knew it was very possible that we would reach that goal. We wanted to reach it.
This was just taking us closer to the goal, right?
Besides, he was the man of the relationship; he was the leader. If he thought it was safe, it must be safe.
He spoke, and took me away from the thoughts swirling in my mind.
"We can think and pray about it tonight. We don't have to do anything right now."
But... we wanted this. We could take it, right?
"No," I said. "We can control this."
He smiled. "Right."
He leaned in, turning his head. I leaned closer, and closed my eyes.
Our lips met... once (I began to pull back; he leaned in more); twice; three times.
Once more; this one longer and sweeter.
I pulled away, more this time.
He looked at me, starry-eyed.
"Wow," he said. "I was just expecting one... but wow. That was... wow."
"Yeah, me too," I whispered.
"You okay?"
I paused. It was a new feeling, this kissing. I hadn't kissed for four years.
That was the only reason I felt apprehensive about answering yes, right?
I mean... I had liked it.
I looked back at him.
"Yeah," I said, smiling reassuringly.
He smiled back. "Good."
He leaned in for another kiss, and I let him.
So it began.
And so it would end -
Painfully, with feelings of idiocy and shame.
But it brought us closer, right?
Yeah, it did.
It brought closeness that you hadn't earned.
And now, it brings me shame.
Jesus, please....
Bring your cleansing grace.
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